I am a single mother and I am not ashamed of it, embarrassed by it, nor do I care what other people think about it. No one but me knows the whole story of how I became a single mom. Therefore if people would like to judge me or throw me and my daughter into some stereotype, fine by me. I keep seeing articles like this one http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42078511/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/ and other articles that claim "Single Mother's are bad for society" and it makes me a bit sad. Sad because I know that these articles get under the skin of some of my fellow single moms.
Here are some single parent household statistics:
She is a Mother:
- Approximately 84% of custodial parents are mothers, and
- 16% of custodial parents are fathers
She is Divorced or Separated:
Of the mothers who are custodial parents:
- 45% are currently divorced or separated
- 34.2% have never been married
- 19% are married (In most cases, these numbers represent women who have remarried.)
- 1.7% were widowed
- 57.8% are divorced or separated
- 20.9% have never married
- 20% are currently married (In most cases, these numbers represent men who have remarried.)
- Fewer than 1% were widowed
She is Employed:
- 79.5% of custodial single mothers are gainfully employed
- 90% of custodial single fathers are gainfully employed
49.8% work full time, year round 29.7% work part-time or part-year
71.7% work full time, year round 18.4% work part-time or part-year
She and Her Children Do Not Live in Poverty:
- 27% of custodial single mothers and their children live in poverty
- 12.9% of custodial single fathers and their children live in poverty
She Does Not Receive Public Assistance:
Among custodial single mothers:
- 22% receive Medicaid
- 23.5% receive food stamps
- 12% receive some form of public housing or rent subsidy
- 5% receive receive TANF
She is 40 Years Old or Older:
- 39.1% of custodial single mothers are 40 years old or older
She is Raising One Child:
- 54% of custodial mothers are raising one child from the absent parent
- 46% have two or more children living with them
As you can see 27% of single moms (SMs) do live in poverty, but this does not mean that their children are not well taken care of. It also does not mean their children are doomed to be poverty stricken forever. It also does not mean that every single mother in the world is on some kind of public assistance. Yes, it maybe true that some single mothers utilize some form of public assistance, but every one I have ever known that has or is doing so is doing it because they are supporting their children completely solo. They are doing it solo because the "man" that impregnated them has skipped out on his financial responsibility. Just because child support is court ordered does not mean it always gets paid. There are many biological fathers who are not paying or are no where near current in their payments of child support. From my experience single mothers are only on assistance for a short time frame and are either in school or pursuing something that will better themselves and their financial situation.
From what I have gathered in the last year since becoming a single mom, there are four basic mentalities regarding SMs:
The Pitier: The pitier is someone who feels bad for a single mom and says things like "I can't even imagine, I don't know how you do it all alone, you are a stronger person then I am". They typically are mothers themselves or single women and are usually in awe of us SMs.
The Disgusted: The disgusted is my favorite because they are the first to judge and I love to roll my eyes at these types! They are typically older married women or older single women who love to talk about a SMs "situation". They say things behind your back instead of to your face. Things like "Well someone can't keep her legs closed" or "Something must be wrong with her if she can't even keep her child's father around". My favorite thing about this type is their assumptions. They assume that we SMs were running around having unprotected sex with near strangers. Well of course we all were! Why else wouldn't our children's bio fathers be around!?!?
The Supportive: Now you would think this would be my favorite. While I like the supportive of course, I just get a better kick out of the above mentioned Disgusted. The supportive are of no typical type person. They do not judge, or ask lots of questions or feel bad for you. They simply support you, your child and everything you do. They say things like "I can babysit, why don't you take a night to yourself", "I love you" or "I think you are a great mom!". They are definitely essential to any single mom because you can talk to them about anything and know that they will simply just listen if that's what you need them to do.
The Relater: The relater is either a married or engaged woman who has at least one child. They say things like "I am a married single mom" or "I know I am married, but I may as well be a single mom since I do everything". In the first few months after becoming a mom, the relater did bother me for a short time. However, I now feel bad for them because even though they are married they often have less support then I do as a SM. Not to mention they are often trapped in unhappy marriages. But what I really feel bad about are the kids stuck in this situation with an unhappy mother and quite possibly an unhappy father.
The point? Everyone has their own opinions and everyone passes judgments without knowing the whole story.
The bottom line here is that No one knows my story, or any other single mother's story. There are SMs out there who became SMs because they were raped, widowed, divorced, or victims of abuse. They became mothers because their birth control failed or were told they could never have children. But none of that really matters to society now does it? Society doesn't care if your birth control failed or your ex husband met a hot 21 year old and filed for divorce after 10 years of marriage. Instead society only sees the numbers and not the story behind the numbers. This is just another indication that we as a society have a long way to go.
As I said at the beginning of this post, I for one do not care how people perceive me. They can think I was sleeping around unprotected or feel sorry for me or my child. It honestly does not bother me. What bothers me is knowing that there are many SMs out there that do feel ashamed or hurt by what other people think or say about them. Being a SM can be stressful enough at times and it is sad that SMs have to deal with this criticism as well.
I often hear from fellow SMs that they are tired of all these articles claiming we are destroying society and they wonder where the articles on the dead beat bio dads are. They simply just do not exist from what I can tell. No one really addresses the other side of things.
I have never considered being a SM as a hardship, but I believe this to be directly related to my wonderful support system. If I did not have them my rambled views above may be drastically different. So I'd like to take this time to say Thank You to everyone who has been supportive. Whether it be by listening when I needed you to, putting me in my place when I needed it, babysitting, or just saying I think you're a great Mom... I thank you for it!
For those of you who think I am doing horrible things to society by raising my child out of wed lock... thank you! Your attitude will come in handy down the road when I begin instilling values and morals into my daughter and explain to her how important it is not to pass judgment on others but instead understand that everyone has their own unique story and should be accepted with open arms.
I'm proud to be a SMUD too! And I didn't know those statistics, thanks for posting them!
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