SMUD? (Single Mom, Ultimate Destroyer?)

I know my posts thus far have typically been light hearted, but tonight's post will be a bit more serious as I just feel I need to address something. So here goes...

I am a single mother and I am not ashamed of it, embarrassed by it, nor do I care what other people think about it. No one but me knows the whole story of how I became a single mom. Therefore if people would like to judge me or throw me and my daughter into some stereotype, fine by me. I keep seeing articles like this one http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42078511/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/  and other articles that claim "Single Mother's are bad for society" and it makes me a bit sad. Sad because I know that these articles get under the skin of some of my fellow single moms.

Here are some single parent household statistics:

She is a Mother:

• Approximately 84% of custodial parents are mothers, and
• 16% of custodial parents are fathers

She is Divorced or Separated:

Of the mothers who are custodial parents:

• 45% are currently divorced or separated
• 34.2% have never been married
• 19% are married (In most cases, these numbers represent women who have remarried.)
• 1.7% were widowed

Of the fathers who are custodial parents:

• 57.8% are divorced or separated
• 20.9% have never married
• 20% are currently married (In most cases, these numbers represent men who have remarried.)
• Fewer than 1% were widowed

She is Employed:

• 79.5% of custodial single mothers are gainfully employed

49.8% work full time, year round 29.7% work part-time or part-year

• 90% of custodial single fathers are gainfully employed

71.7% work full time, year round 18.4% work part-time or part-year

She and Her Children Do Not Live in Poverty:

• 27% of custodial single mothers and their children live in poverty
• 12.9% of custodial single fathers and their children live in poverty

She Does Not Receive Public Assistance:

Among custodial single mothers:

• 22% receive Medicaid
• 23.5% receive food stamps
• 12% receive some form of public housing or rent subsidy
• 5% receive receive TANF

She is 40 Years Old or Older:

• 39.1% of custodial single mothers are 40 years old or older

She is Raising One Child:

• 54% of custodial mothers are raising one child from the absent parent
• 46% have two or more children living with them

As you can see 27% of single moms (SMs) do live in poverty, but this does not mean that their children are not well taken care of. It also does not mean their children are doomed to be poverty stricken forever. It also does not mean that every single mother in the world is on some kind of public assistance. Yes, it maybe true that some single mothers utilize some form of public assistance, but every one I have ever known that has or is doing so is doing it because they are supporting their children completely solo. They are doing it solo because the "man" that impregnated them has skipped out on his financial responsibility. Just because child support is court ordered does not mean it always gets paid. There are many biological fathers who are not paying or are no where near current in their payments of child support. From my experience single mothers are only on assistance for a short time frame and are either in school or pursuing something that will better themselves and their financial situation.

From what I have gathered in the last year since becoming a single mom, there are four basic mentalities regarding SMs:

The Pitier: The pitier is someone who feels bad for a single mom and says things like "I can't even imagine, I don't know how you do it all alone, you are a stronger person then I am". They typically are mothers themselves or single women and are usually in awe of us SMs.

The Disgusted: The disgusted is my favorite because they are the first to judge and I love to roll my eyes at these types! They are typically older married women or older single women who love to talk about a SMs "situation". They say things behind your back instead of to your face. Things like "Well someone can't keep her legs closed" or "Something must be wrong with her if she can't even keep her child's father around".  My favorite thing about this type is their assumptions. They assume that we SMs were running around having unprotected sex with near strangers. Well of course we all were! Why else wouldn't our children's bio fathers be around!?!?

The Supportive: Now you would think this would be my favorite. While I like the supportive of course, I just get a better kick out of the above mentioned Disgusted. The supportive are of no typical type person. They do not judge, or ask lots of questions or feel bad for you. They simply support you, your child and everything you do. They say things like "I can babysit, why don't you take a night to yourself", "I love you" or "I think you are a great mom!". They are definitely essential to any single mom because you can talk to them about anything and know that they will simply just listen if that's what you need them to do.

The Relater: The relater is either a married or engaged woman who has at least one child. They say things like "I am a married single mom" or "I know I am married, but I may as well be a single mom since I do everything". In the first few months after becoming a mom, the relater did bother me for a short time. However, I now feel bad for them because even though they are married they often have less support then I do as a SM. Not to mention they are often trapped in unhappy marriages. But what I really feel bad about are the kids stuck in this situation with an unhappy mother and quite possibly an unhappy father.

The point? Everyone has their own opinions and everyone passes judgments without knowing the whole story.

The bottom line here is that No one knows my story, or any other single mother's story. There are SMs out there who became SMs because they were raped, widowed, divorced, or victims of abuse. They became mothers because their birth control failed or were told they could never have children. But none of that really matters to society now does it? Society doesn't care if your birth control failed or your ex husband met a hot 21 year old and filed for divorce after 10 years of marriage. Instead society only sees the numbers and not the story behind the numbers. This is just another indication that we as a society have a long way to go.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I for one do not care how people perceive me. They can think I was sleeping around unprotected or feel sorry for me or my child. It honestly does not bother me. What bothers me is knowing that there are many SMs out there that do feel ashamed or hurt by what other people think or say about them. Being a SM can be stressful enough at times and it is sad that SMs have to deal with this criticism as well.

I often hear from fellow SMs that they are tired of all these articles claiming we are destroying society and they wonder where the articles on the dead beat bio dads are. They simply just do not exist from what I can tell. No one really addresses the other side of things. 

I have never considered being a SM as a hardship, but I believe this to be directly related to my wonderful support system. If I did not have them my rambled views above may be drastically different. So I'd like to take this time to say Thank You to everyone who has been supportive. Whether it be by listening when I needed you to, putting me in my place when I needed it, babysitting, or just saying I think you're a great Mom... I thank you for it!

For those of you who think I am doing horrible things to society by raising my child out of wed lock... thank you! Your attitude will come in handy down the road when I begin instilling values and morals into my daughter and explain to her how important it is not to pass judgment on others but instead understand that everyone has their own unique story and should be accepted with open arms.

Oye... Decisions!

It dawned on me today that I could possibly miss S's first steps. She is getting closer to walking everyday, but still far from it I think. Although I think she will be really close... I doubt that she will actually be walking by the time we move. I will be away from her for at least 3 days when the move happens. I hate that we will be apart for what feels like forever (yes 3 days IS forever) and the thought that she could take her first steps while I am not there kills me.

I have been in no rush nor have I been pushing for her to walk. I will never understand why people try and push it. To me her walking turns into her running which equals me running as well. And well, I hate running! That being said, as of now, I let her do her thing; walking around holding onto furniture and walking holding my hands. But now that I have had this realization I am debating on whether to continue to allow this 'behavior' or start pushing her down when she tries to walk (just like Josh Duhammel in Life As We Know It) Oye! Decisions!!

*Disclaimer: For those of you that made the "Uh, ugh, ah" etc. sound at the thought of me pushing my infant daughter to the ground, I wouldn't seriously do it, so please.. chill out

A Step Up From Loathe to Hate - A Shopping Story

I mentioned in one of my previous posts that we went shopping last weekend. I used to loathe shopping but now that I have a baby to buy things for I just hate it. Here's why...

My first mistake was going on a Saturday, and of all places... the mall. Before I say much more, I'd like to share Urban Dictionaries definition of the mall:

1. A place where foolish people go to put a hole in their wallets, so by the time they are done they don't even need a wallet

2. A place where teenagers go to waste their lives away.

I have actually been to the mall more in the past year then I have in my lifetime I think. Since I live in a climate where you risk being on fire as soon as you step out the door, I would often take S there to walk around. She really does enjoy being in her stroller (I mean who wouldn't enjoy being pushed around wherever you go) and people watching is an added bonus.

As I pushed my thrilled baby around in her stroller I found myself doing copious amounts of eye rolls. I try not to get annoyed, but have you been to the mall?!? It's nearly impossible not to. Not only do you have the ample amounts of teenagers running around playing 'chase me' up the elevator and escalators, you also have what I like to call the hall hoarders. Hall hoarders come in many forms, from the young to the old to the just plain inconsiderate middle aged men and women. I have yet to come up with an official definition, so here is a basic description of the 'Hall Hoarder(s)':

Type A: A person of any age with the ability to take up a large hallway (or thruway) by wandering aimlessly looking up at the ceiling as if monkey's might start falling from it. The aforementioned wandering causes said person to stumble back and forth as if drunk.

Type B: Multiple persons of any age in line formation stretched from wall to wall of a hallway (or thruway) as if preparing to play 'Red Rover'. Said persons typically walk painfully slow.

I don't think it is possible to spend anytime in any mall without encountering at least one hall hoarder. A hall hoarder poses a problem to me because when I shop, I usually know exactly what I am going for. Therefore, I have a plan in place before I step foot inside and I walk fast to complete my mission and get out before I go completely insane. I don't have the patience to deal with the Type A hoarder; I go left to get around them, they suddenly see a monkey falling from the ceiling and go left to dodge it. I go right to get around them, suddenly another monkey is falling and they go right as well. Type B hoarders are the worst, because it is literally like running into a brick wall that is moving at turtle speed and you have no hope of breaking through. Unless the Type B hoarders are teenaged girls, then you have hope that one of them will see a boy that they like and get all giddy and run away to spy on him from afar.

In addition to the hoarders you also have mothers and their children. Why it has become Ok to allow your small child to run uncontrollably through out a public place I do not know. Then there are the stroller mothers. This is the category I fit into, if you ever go shopping with me and observe me committing the following crime, please smack me. I'd say about 90% of stroller moms are blockage offenders. A blockage offender is defined as follows:

A person (typically a mother) who stops in the middle of a hallway (or thruway) leaving the stroller she is pushing in the middle of said hallway. Creating a tripping hazard to those around her.

A blockage offender can usually be found checking out the mall kiosks or end caps in stores like Walmart, Target etc.

Again, please slap me if you ever see me commit such an act. Needless to say, I encountered all of the above and then some during my short shopping trip. I used to loathe shopping, nothing I was going to buy could possibly make up for the shit I had to deal with to get it. Now that I have a baby though, I deal with it better because I am typically buying things for her. I have made a step up from loathing to hating because of my little girl.

As if my visit to the mall last weekend was not torture enough, I had to go back mid week. After my second visit, I remembered a ninth grade civic class assignment I had. The assignment was to create a law. You had to outline the law and how it would be enforced. My law: Pedestrian Traffic Law. I got an A- on it. My teacher (who for the life of me I cannot remember his name) liked the law but said that my enforcement was slightly flimsy. He just didn't see that it could be properly enforced. I agreed, if I had disagreed I would have already submitted the damn thing to congress by now.

On another note, how awful is it that I barely remember any of my teacher's names from my 12 years in grade school? My sisters can easily name off teachers from as far back as first grade and they have been out of school way longer then me. What has my memory come to?

A How-To, Flies, and pennies

Retrieving Your Personal Belongings From a Trash Receptacle - A How To

Supplies Needed:
One Flat Head Mop
One Step Stool (you may be able to forgo the stool if you are 5'7" or taller)
A bunch of rags
Optional: Lysol Spray

Instructions:
1. Place stool approximately 6 inches from the side of Trash bin (if you happen to be at least 5'7", just stand in front of the bin and skip to step 3).

2. Kneel on stool with the mop in hand.

3. Descend mop into bin with the head of the mop pointing towards the bottom.

4. Place the head of the mop along the side of your belongings (the side that is furthest away from you, placing is crucial here!)

5. Slowly drag the mop along the bottom making sure that your things are coming along with it.

6. At this point you should have reached the side of the bin. Now very carefully continue to pull the mop towards you and up the side of the bin. (This takes skill, so don't be let down if it doesn't work the first time, just try again).

7. Continue dragging the mop (and your things) towards you up the side of the bin. Once the head of the mop is 12" inches from the rim of the bin, take your free hand and grasp your belongings tightly.

8. If your mop has a removable sponge (most flat head mops do) toss said sponge into bin.

9. Grab stool and take it along with the mop and your now germ infested belongings inside.

10. Take the rags and lightly wet them, then proceed to clean the mop and your "trash bin vacation going" belongings.

11. *Optional Step* Spray mop, your things and yourself with lysol.

I hope the above "How To" brings some clarity to my trash bin fiasco yesterday and possibly helps one of you in the future should you ever drop your belongings into one.

Alright now that I have covered that.... I have some BIG news! Are you ready?!?

THERE IS A NEW PENNY!

I'm not sure how I missed it, but the US Mint has made a new penny. For those of you unaware of this (as I myself was until today) I have included a photo of said penny.

The discovery of this penny threw me into a brain ramble today. As I was looking at it, I was telling myself how silly it was. And I asked myself "Why make a new penny when the old ones are just fine?".  I mean, who cares about a penny anyway? Have you heard the saying: "A penny saved is a penny earned" ? Well, it's bullshit... no one saves pennies! Alright maybe that's not entirely true, but you can't tell me that you have never thrown a penny into the trash. I found myself throwing one away just the other day just after S found it for me on the floor. How silly is that? It is money right? So why would I throw it away? The answer is quite simple, I didn't have any place to put it at the time and I didn't want it to somehow end up on the floor again as it is a major hazard to my infant child, so in the trash it went.

While on the subject of money, I find myself wondering often why we don't just print more of it since it is JUST paper. Don't get me wrong, I am well educated on why this would be a horrible idea, but at the same time I can't help but think it from time to time.

Moving right along, I'd like to mention something that happened to me today...

I started the day out by working. Which means I did something on the computer and then fixed it after S messed it up by slamming her pencil like fingers into the keys on my keyboard. I then retired my computer to play with her until her nap time. As soon as she was down and my keyboard was free of the pencil finger monsters, I proceeded to work. Then it happened, out of nowhere a tiny fly landed on my cheek. So naturally I slapped myself in an attempt to rid the world of this menace. For approximately 10 minutes I thought I had succeeded, until 2 more flies were suddenly buzzing around my head. As I flailed my arms around like a fool trying to get these tiny nuisances away from me I thought "Why the hell do we have fruit flies around here, we have nothing spoiling and everything is relatively clean". It was at this point I second guessed myself... Do fruit flies come around for fresh fruit or spoiled fruit? Suddenly I was unsure, but regardless of the answer to this question it was not about to solve my current problem.

After approximately 15 minutes of trying to swat these 2 tiny pricks, I put my computer down and took a walk around the house in hopes they would "forget" about me. Upon returning to the computer a few minutes later I thought it had worked, until I opened my mouth to talk on the phone and one flew inside and down my throat. I'm not quite sure what happened to the other one, but my guess is he saw his friend being eaten and hid somewhere.

And that sums up my day. If fruit flies do come around for sweet smells opposed to rotting, I blame Herbal Essence. Thanks for creating some aggravation in my day, You better hope "Indulging My Senses" tomorrow will make up for it!

Trash Day

Two nights ago S woke up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, for once she hadn't woken up for a bottle, because she was sick, or was in major teeth growing pain. She just sat up in her bed suddenly as if to say... "Alright I'm awake, where's the party?!?" After a few failed attempts of laying her back down to sleep, I did something I never do... I gave in and brought her into bed with me. This was my attempt to wake up as little as possible. You know that feeling when you are awoken suddenly and all you can think is.. No No No No, I'm not awake! At first I thought it was working... she laid down on me and I thought she just might go back to sleep. But after about 5 minutes of laying quietly her head popped up. I gently tried to put it back down on my shoulder, but as soon as it touched down it was back up darting around checking things out. Repeat this scenario about 4 times and then something wonderful happened.. as she lifted her head once again and attempted to wiggle her little body away from me, she turned her head and "kissed" (I say "kissed" because it is unlike any other kiss you will ever receive, glorious wide open mouthed wetness) my face as if to say... "I love you mommy, please let me go play!" This of course melted my heart. She has kissed me many times before but never in such a way. But that doesn't mean I gave in and let her play. Oh no no no not this mommy! Instead I readjusted and put her head back on my shoulder, and yet again she lifts her head up and kisses me just before trying to wiggle away. This happened about 5 times before she finally let out a big sigh of defeat and laid down for good. Needless to say this whole process took awhile. Im not sure how long exactly, but it was over an hour.

Fast forward to last night... I went to bed at a decent time (11:00pm) but failed miserably at actually falling asleep until 12:15am.
12:47am - S is awake and signing like a maniac for some milk.
1:05am - S back in bed snoozing away.
I'm not entirely sure of the time when I finally fell asleep but the last time I saw the clock was 2:15am.

Fast Forward yet again to 6:15am this morning - S is awake and ready to rock n roll. After fumbling through making her breakfast with my eyes half open after two nights of inadequate sleep I decided I really needed coffee. I don't drink coffee everyday, but I do have a coffee maker and I could have made my own easily enough. But instead I decided I must go to Dunkin Donuts, because why make coffee when someone else can make it for me? Plus I had a gift card (which I didn't even use once I got there) so of course that made it completely justifiable in my mind. I asked my mother to watch S for me so I could make a quick coffee run and as always she was more then happy to do so.

As I am grabbing my car keys and sliding my flip flops on, (this is one thing I will miss once we move for sure! But more on that later..) I see out of the corner of my eye, the trash that has built up in our laundry room. Since I was going out anyway, I figure I may as well toss the trash.

To understand what happens next, you must know that I have never nor do I currently carry a purse. I assume this will change in the near future once I discontinue the use of S's diaper bag. I hear that having a purse is imperative once you are a mother; and after all of the runny noses, throw up and diarrhea I have delt with over the past 11 months I now understand why.

Now that I have gotten off subject...

In preparation to leave, I grab my car keys, two $5 bills, my phone and the trash (two bags and two boxes to be exact). As I make my way down to the dumpster, I pass our balcony where my mother and S stand watching me. S is waving bye bye to me and in that moment I thought... I should probably set my stuff (keys, money and phone) down on the balcony edge while I run this trash down. It's ironic how I have these logical thoughts that I rarely listen to just before something that could have been completely avoided happens. As I reach the dumpster, in one hand I have my keys and one bag/one box of trash, in the other I have the second bag/box, my phone and the money I mentioned above (see where this is going yet?). I throw the first bag and box in the rancid receptacle and then instead of taking my phone/money with the now free hand, I proceed to toss the second bag/box in. Well, it just so happens that the drawstrings of the bag get tangled around my fingers which causes me to lose my grip on my phone and the money and into the dumpster they go. Now some people would freak out at this point, but not me! As I looked down into the near empty dumpster, I see my phone and the money sitting on the bottom. At this point I begin to laugh as I lift my leg up slightly as if to measure myself up to the giant metal pit. It was then that I realized there was no way in hell that I could get myself inside to retrieve my now dirt coated belongings without some help.

While I walk back to my apartment trying to think of a way to get my things, I see my little girl watching me. She is smiling and yelling out to me. It truly is such a wonderful feeling to be loved so much by someone that they get that excited to see you headed their way. I head inside to retrieve what I deem is the most logical piece of equipment to utilize in my attempt to dumpster dive, a step stool. It wasn't until I placed the stool in front of the dumpster that I realized just how short my legs were. So back inside to grab something a little taller, another stool about two times the height of the first stool. As I placed this stool in front of the dumpster, it dawned on me... This thing is completely empty except for the "trash" I just threw in... how the heck am I going to get out of here once I am in?!? This clearly was not a job for a short person! It was at this point that I got excited because I had figured it out! Why it took me 10 minutes to come to this realization I will never know. I ran back to the balcony where my little monkey and my mother still stood watching me and asked my mother to get the mop. As she handed the mop over to me she was telling me that she doubted that it would work. No no I said... "It will work.. just watch!" and it did. Never underestimate the power of a short person with a mop!

I did "clean" my phone, although I am sure it is likely still covered in ample amounts of germs. So if anyone has a suggestion on a safe way to clean a phone, please advise.

And in case you were wondering... I did get my coffee. It was the best coffee I have ever purchased with a debris infested five dollar bill. Sorry Dunkin Donuts drive thru dude, but you may want to wash your hands now.

HA! I win this time you repulsively dirty bin! Until we meet again.. because I am sure it will most definitely happen again.

As a footnote: We also went to the mall today, which made me completely crazy but I'll save that story for another day. Until then...

Jumping on The Blogging Train

For some time now I had thought about blogging. I'm not entirely sure what has kept me from doing so, I suppose time restraints. Or perhaps I didn't think anyone would care much about what I had to say, or maybe it was the question of whether or not I really want to put my personal feelings and thoughts out there for just anyone to read. Whatever the reasoning, today it all changes as I decided today was the day to just go for it.

There are so many life changing events bee-lining towards my front door at the moment and I feel this blog will be an excellent tool for me to share these experiences with others. In all actuality I don't really expect many to read this blog. My entries here are really more for myself then anyone else. This will be my Captain's Log. A log I can return to in days, months and years from now and say things like... "Oh, that's when that happened!" or "I remember that day!" and laugh, smile, and maybe even cry as I take that stroll down memory lane.

For those of you that do choose to follow my story, I'd like to apologize in advance for the horrible grammar, use of the most perturbing slang, and my ability to ramble like a complete fool.

As a side note: In all future posts involving my silly spastic little monkey I will refer to her as simply "S". Partly because I am lazy and partly for privacy reasons should anyone I do not know stumble upon this blog, but really mostly because I'm lazy.

Onward I go... jumping on the blogging train! What lies herein...is my life... The Good, The Bad and The Wicked of it.